Question for Bernie
Hi Bernie,
I wrote you a while ago about buying your book, A Book of Miracles. I have also heard many of your interviews and am truly amazed—how in heaven’s name do you deal with some people who let you down when you give so much? With such a big, big heart, you continuously give loving advice and fatherly guidance to people.
Like you, I care about people, but I express that by providing laughter as a comedian to those who come to see me. I have brought laughter to many, many people during my career.
But I feel that I have been struck down with health problems at age 62. I had to have two stents placed for my heart. I have Benign Prostatic Hypertrophy. And finally, now I have tremors, and cry at the drop of a hat.
I have two loving boys, 26 and 28, but if I don’t go to them, I never see them. Could you please guide me? I have spent time and lots of money on people who I believed to be doctors, healers, naturopaths, etc. to heal myself. I’m a single male living alone and I am very lonely and sad. I am a 1st generation Holocaust, only child.
Sent with much love and respect to a man who gives so much unconditional love. You MUST be the reincarnation of some Holy Mystic. God bless you.
Bernie’s Answer
I do have an angel mystic who guides me. His name is George and people have seen him standing before me when I lecture.
Loneliness causes all of the problems by lowering immune function and raising stress hormone levels. You can heal yourself by doing any or all of the following
- Get a dog if you can spend time with your dog. Studies have shown that people who love animals and have pets with them as much as possible live longer.
- Find a group of people you can relate to—sit down and write the things you are interested in (you might have three headings, like “Most Interested In” and “Moderately Interested In” and “Not Very Interested In” and check with your
library about groups that meet there or that the librarian is aware of in any of
your three categories on your list of things that interest you. You can also go
on the internet for schedules of meetings or presentations in any of your areas
of interest. Maybe you can put on Laughter Workshops, which I often suggest
as a powerful healing activity. - Crying is okay—you have a heart
- Become a love warrior
Love is your weapon—start by calling your kids or e-mailing them each day for 90 days saying you just wanted to say “I love you,” then skip a day and see what they do.
- Meditate and say prayers or mantras every morning
- Laugh for no reason every few hours. As a comedian, coming up with “laugh out loud” thoughts shouldn’t be a problem!
- Be grateful for life. You are here to give love in the way you decide to give it.
- Your childhood is also part of being grateful for having life. Put up pictures of yourself as a child and love that child every time you look at the pictures.
That should get you started. When you choose life enhancing behavior, miracles happen.
Peace,
Bernie
Question for Bernie
Hi Bernie,
Who do I turn to when I am stuck and unhappy with myself? You see, I need to kick myself into gear somehow, I guess, but the truth is that I am so full of sorrow which seems impossible to overcome. I know you read my post about having to put my autistic daughter in part-time residential care. God, my heart is ripped apart.
What hurt me most was it took me until she was aged eight to get her out of diapers. Now she is 12 and has again become fully incontinent. But now she is not alerting me when she is home, or the staff at the part-time residential care home when she is there, at the time it happens, choosing to sit for hours after needing to be attended to. This behavior was the final straw. I just broke down and swore at God and autism, saying how much I hate how cruel God and autism are!
She attacks me violently, and I have to take Xanax because I’m so frightened of her. The faces of my sons are so sad each day when they are leaving the house for school as she is smashing the house and screeching. She is in puberty, so I know the world is confusing enough at this time in a young girl’s life, but the autism is a powder keg.
I just feel helpless and hopeless. The shrink just wants to give me antidepressants, but I don’t agree with taking them because they won’t help—there is no pill for a broken heart. This morning I dressed her to go to the play center, and I said to her, “Oh, Raven you look so lovely. Pretty girl, look at your lovely hair.” She turned and growled and spat at me. I burst into tears.
We don’t know why she does these behaviors. I find myself feeling resentful towards her. I know it not her, but the autism. I am truly burned out and have explored every avenue of help. Somehow I need to be bigger than the autism, but I cry as I type, admitting that I feel beaten. …and if I was Lassie I would run away.
I feel I have indeed lost my spirit, and I need to call it back. My dad is dead, and I know you adopt people. Please adopt me, for my daughter does not know how to show love towards me and it breaking my heart.
My apologies for just blurting it all out, but I just feel lost and like a failure. I know you must have so many troubles of your own that people forget to ask about you. Well, I think of you all the time and use your words to guide me. Shrinks throw pills at me, but it’s not pills I need. Any book advice would be of great help, and thank you for listening. Thank you just for being you!
Bernie’s Answer
Go to the bookstore or library and ask for the section dealing with autism. Everyone is writing books about their problems, so find books with stories about parenting an autistic child. The only answer is to learn from this experience. If you approach your problems with the question, “What am I to learn from this?” then you will already be in a positive, activist frame of mind.
Ask the librarian or bookstore staff to help you find absolutely everything they have, particularly about parenting an autistic child going through puberty. Ask for suggestions on just parenting children going through puberty, even if they are not autistic, so you can better discern between what may be from the hormonal changes and what may be from autism.
Take care of your needs. Placing your autistic child in a part-time residential home for care is a positive example of taking care of yourself, not a negative example of parenting failure for which you continue to punish yourself. Stop the negative tapes about how mothers should be. You are unique as is your daughter. You are blessed with other children, and as a mother to them, you can give them the gifts of learning about autism and of developing compassion from this major challenge in your family’s life. Model for them how to be compassionate, even in the face of what seems like purposefully bad behavior on your daughter’s part.
Be a love warrior, using only love to “win” against the negatives. When your daughter spits at you, say “I love you” to her, and that’s it. Even if she can’t show you love now, you can certainly show her that you love her by keeping it simple, non-confrontational, and true. You will begin to feel very positive about accepting the situation as it is right now, and being able to respond to the point possible like the loving mother you are. Someday, you may be able to see changes in her behavior that you know stem from what you did as a love warrior.
You have a choice. Choose life.
Peace,
Bernie