Question for Bernie:
I have Multiple Chemical Sensitivity. In a recent dream something very significant came to the forefront. In my dream I was lying on the floor in a room and several people were on either side of me sitting on the floor near me (I have slept on the floor on and off for years due to not having a chemically tolerable bed, a common situation for those with this disability). I could not see them; I just knew they were there.
They were trying to hand me things. One man offered me what appeared to be really fat crayons like the ones they make for little kids. I had seen these recently online when shopping for a box of crayons for myself. One of the crayons that he was trying to hand me was a dark color, maybe navy blue or black. I pushed the crayons away back towards him and did not want them. I did not want what these people were trying to offer me. I could not see what the other people were trying to offer me, but I could feel that they were upset and worried. I said to the people, “I am not dead” as I had the feeling they were worried that I was dead.
I said, “I have lost my turtle back” and then, “I am slowly dying.” I had the feeling in my dream that I was shriveled and weak, curling up and drawing my body in while holding myself with my arms. Then something happened that was very interesting. I said to them, “I can’t give you anything but love, so much love.” I realize from this part of my dream that even though I can no longer work or give to others in the way I once could, that I can give love and that is enough.
A few days before this dream a friend who is vacationing in Hawaii had emailed me that there were lots of sea turtles. I remember loving the giant sea turtles when I had been diving in Maui many years ago. I sent him a picture of a sea turtle, so that is where this impression of a turtle came from that later appeared in my dream.
This dream went on to another scene of me upset and yelling at a person for something they had done which I felt had harmed me. I do not know exactly who this person was or what she had done—just that I was very angry and yelling at her. She resembled someone I knew many years ago who cancelled helping me with something she had promised to do when I was so ill.
It was significant to me that I woke up very upset and angry, really exhausted from yelling at this person in my dream. When I woke up I could feel so much emotional pain in my heart (I had a mild heart attack 6 years ago).
It was even more significant to me that I said, “I lost my turtle back” and “I am slowly dying” in the other the part of my dream because when I looked up turtle backs, I found out that a turtle will die if it loses its hard shell back. A turtle’s back is an integral part of the spine, ribs and bony structure.
To me, the turtle back represents my protection, my body’s ability to protect itself. I woke up feeling that I have no defenses and am vulnerable. The next morning after the dream I went and looked at myself in the mirror and found that I do not look well. Parts of my body are shriveled and weak from having being bedridden on and off for a few years and mostly housebound and inactive. I have an allergic rash on my body. I looked inward to see if I really am slowly dying. Maybe I am.
I realized that I have been through so much physical and emotional suffering in the past few years that I’ve become resigned to the fact I might die, and that I no longer care if it is time to die. I am not afraid to die and have accepted death.
Through the help of one of my inner guides, I realized that I have been beaten down. Although I continue working towards healing and have gotten significantly better over the past few years, my guide showed me that in my soul, I am downtrodden and sad. My inner guide helped me to see how many times I have been hurt and all the people who have hurt me, starting with my father when I was a young girl and again later as a teen.
Thank you Bernie for encouraging people to look at the wounds of the past and of childhood as producing physical and emotional problems that can be a way of keeping from going out into the world where one can get hurt again. Your valuable insights and my dreams have helped me to begin looking at my feeling of vulnerability as having lost my turtle back.
Fortunately, I am now able to say “no” to the things that don’t make me happy, and I can do the things I wish to do each day. I now live in a place I love and can enjoy all the beauty of nature around me.
So with these new insights from you and from my dreams, my inner work begins again! I now have a tolerable organic cotton bed, a new juicer, and daily meditation practice. I am slowly increasing my walks in the fresh air and enjoying my natural surroundings. All of these things give me renewed hope that I can heal.
I have not yet gotten crayons. Maybe my dream showed me that I did not want them after all! I am hoping to be able to go out with some friends and find activities that I can environmentally tolerate.
Thank you, Bernie. If you have any further insights I would appreciate hearing them. And now on with the job of growing another turtle back!
Bernie’s Answer:
Your dreams are great examples of lucid dreaming. You have a natural talent for it—some people have to learn how to dream as you do. Lucid dreaming is about using dreams to help sort out problems in your life. You’ve done a wonderful job of that through interpreting the details in your dreams.
So keep dreaming and saying yes to your heart’s desires, just as you have been doing. Give yourself a lot of credit for working so diligently to understand your body and your life. That shows me that you have found a way to love them both—which is what I have always said is essential to healing.
You do not have to please anyone but yourself. The people you love and who love you will find you very pleasing indeed when you provide them with the example of how to grapple with difficulty in life and come out on top!
Please go to the Resources page on my website and find the listing for the Immune Competent Personality.
You are well on the way to restoring your turtle back and lessening your feeling of vulnerability dramatically. I’m sure that your words will inspire many others to envision growing their own turtle back!
Peace,
Bernie