If you have spent much of your life bringing soup to other people, it can feel surprisingly awkward when someone brings soup to you. You may find yourself apologizing for the state of the kitchen, trying to remember whether you have a clean container to send home, or insisting that you really would have been fine with crackers.
I wrote in Faith, Hope & Healing about a patient whose friend, on hearing that she had cancer, urged her to do something the friend had found difficult during her own illness: reach out and let people help. Both women thought of themselves as strong, and I understand why that mattered to them. Being the one others can count on is a source of pride and sometimes a way of showing love. When illness changes what you can do, though, accepting a ride or a meal can touch a deeper fear that you are losing a part of yourself. It makes sense to miss the ease of getting in the car and going wherever you please, even when you are grateful that someone is willing to drive.
I would begin with something small enough that you can say yes without feeling you have handed over your whole life. When someone asks what they can do, you might say, “Could you pick up a few groceries on Thursday?” or “I’d like some company this afternoon, but I probably won’t feel up to talking much.” Being specific gives the other person a way to help and gives you a say in how you are cared for.
You can welcome a meal and ask for it to be left at the door, or accept a ride and tell your friend you would rather talk about the book you are reading than the appointment you just left. And if you catch yourself planning how you will repay the favor before you have even eaten the soup, see what it feels like to say, “Thank you. This helps.” For someone who has spent years looking after others, those four words can take more practice than making the soup ever did.
What moves me about receiving help is what it can allow between two people. A friend who feels helpless in the face of your illness may be able to carry a bag of groceries, and the two of you may end up leaning against the kitchen counter, talking about something you both care about. There may also be days when all you want is the groceries and a little sleep, and a friend who can honor that is offering you something precious.
I offer these thoughts as reflections on being cared for, and I encourage you to turn to your own doctor for guidance about your medical care. As for the people who love you, consider what you would want for one of them if your places were reversed. You would probably want them to call, even if all you could do was sit beside them for a while. Perhaps someone in your life has been hoping you would give them that same chance.
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