One afternoon when I was working as a surgeon, after a day of emergencies that had left me hungry and exhausted, I finally had a chance to open the lunch box my wife, Bobbie, had packed for me. Inside the lid was a note telling me to hold on and reminding me that I was loved. I took it as a sign that somehow she had known what kind of day I would have, and when I got home I thanked her for the encouragement. Bobbie had to ask me what I was talking about. She had made me an especially large sandwich and wanted me to hold it with both hands so the vegetables wouldn’t fall out. I had spent the rest of the afternoon sustained by what I thought was a message of great wisdom, and it turned out to be advice about sandwich construction. The love was there either way, and I still think I got more out of that lunch than either of us expected.
I think about that sandwich when people wonder whether it is all right to laugh in the middle of something serious. You can be waiting for news you are afraid to hear and still find yourself laughing with your sister when she takes off her coat and discovers she has been wearing her sweater inside out all morning. For a minute, the two of you are back to being sisters who have laughed at each other’s sweaters for years, and that familiar feeling can be a comfort when so much else feels uncertain. A few minutes later, you may need to tell her how frightened you are. I would make room for both moments, because each gives you a way to be with someone you love. And on a day when nothing strikes you as funny, you deserve that same company and kindness, with no expectation that you cheer up for anyone’s sake.
If you are sitting with someone who is ill, I would take your cue from them. Sometimes they will want to talk about what hurts, and sometimes they will want you to tell the old family story whose ending they already know by heart. If they make a joke themselves, you can laugh with them and see where the conversation goes. I share this as a reflection on how we care for each other, and I would leave questions about your medical care to you and your doctor. What I love about Bobbie’s note is that it reminds me how little planning these moments require. She packed me a sandwich, I read more into it than she intended, and we had something to smile about together at the end of a long day.
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